Let the record show that I am of sound mind and body, and that I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help me God.
No, this isn't a will. I don't plan on dying anytime soon, though that's not really my decision. And I don't plan on appearing in court, unless there's some reason for me to be there. That doesn't give any of you license to file some frivolous suit against me to get me into court, though. Time is somewhat important to me, though it doesn't always show. I just want you, the readers, to know that I'm not going to pull any punches in this post; in short, the bullshit meter is on empty, and I'm speaking from the heart.
One thing that might not be apparent all the time is the love I have for the people in my life. My actions over the past month or so have made me look like an opinionated, obnoxious asshole who lacks the tact to know when he needs to keep his mouth shut. I'm not usually the type of person to express how I'm feeling, especially if I'm upset, simply because I don't want people to worry about me. I mean, I believe there are times where I need to wear my heart on my sleeve, and when those times come I wear my heart on my sleeve without batting an eye. But 99% of the time I try to be the guy who sneaks into the picture, completes whatever he needs to do, and slinks back out, trying to avoid the limelight. I try to avoid drama, and actually invite people to tell me their problems, while I just sit there and listen, a neutral third party. This lack of expression, which I try to mask with either extreme giddiness or general indifference, sometimes leads me to internalize my feelings, good and bad, about myself and about others. Once in a while, I pull the stopper out with the intention of letting my feelings drip out, and usually that works, but every once in a while, what I'm thinking and feeling comes out in a torrent of emotions, both good and bad, and I have to struggle for a bit to bottle them up again. This would be one of those times.
My family and my friends are my life. Every night before I go to bed, I thank God for blessing me with such good people in my life. Sure, we all have our faults, but I cannot imagine myself living a happy life without these people. My family... well we tend to grate on each others' nerves sometimes like all families do, but at the end of the day we know we all love each other. The same with my friends. I have no two friends who are exactly alike (though some of them insist that they're twins separated at birth - maybe a later post can be devoted to that particular bromance), and that's a good thing. With every one of my friends, I have different memories, different viewpoints, and different things that make us say, "This is why we're friends."
I know I don't show it often, but I do care very deeply about my friends and their well-being. I could not bear to see any one of them get hurt, especially if I knew there was something I could do to spare them pain. If there was a chance for me to prevent a friend from getting hurt, and I let it happen anyway... I don't see any difference between that situation and a situation where I hurt that friend myself.
Don't get me wrong here, I believe my friends are perfectly capable of making their own decisions, and either reaping the benefits or suffering the consequences of that decision. It is not my job, nor is it my business, to tell anybody what to do. I might tell my friend, "Hey, you're being stupid about ____," or, "Maybe you should think about what you're doing about _____," but I recognize that we're all human beings, capable of choosing what we will and will not do. Above all, I want my friends to be happy. If my friend is happy, I am happy. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
But that doesn't mean I don't worry. Worrying is something I do a lot; in fact I do it too much for my own good. My imagination sometimes runs wild with outrageous scenarios that might happen from the most miniscule things. I can do some very irrational things if I don't keep myself in check. But what I did today... I deemed it rational, and though it's caused quite a bit of grief for me and quite possibly for others as well, I still believe it was justified, though I know I could have handled things much differently.
You see, this is rarely a cut-and-dry issue. What if one friend's pleasure is another friend's pain? What should you do then? What do you do when you see that someone is doing something that bothers another person, a close friend of the happy one? What about if the person who is happy is hiding particular aspects of the thing that makes him/her happy from loved ones because he/she knows they might be uncomfortable knowing those aspects? What do you do if you know your friend could be handling the situation differently, and that his/her current course of action could lead to him/her getting hurt? What if your friend appears blind to how his/her actions are affecting those around him/her? What do you do if you know you aren't the only one worried about the situation, and that somebody should say something, but nobody knows when or how to address that person? What do you do when an opportunity to say something presents itself - do you take that opportunity, knowing that a better opportunity may come at some point in the future, or do you say nothing, knowing that by saying nothing, the situation could become even more complicated?
I care very much about a friend involved in a difficult situation, so I chose to say something today. It didn't go well, and that person is upset, and I don't expect us to hang out or talk much for the foreseeable future. I know I could have handled things differently. Maybe I should have gone to other friends with similar concerns to see if we should talk to the person as a group. But the fact of the matter is I didn't do that, and now I'm hurting inside. I don't want to see this person get hurt, and I pray that won't be the case. But what have I done? Have I overstepped my bounds? Why did I overreach? It's very difficult, and now it's out of my hands. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
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